With USB I need:

USB hole for mouse.
Serial port for printer and other serial devices.

No. USB hole for printer :-)

Cardbus slot for Ethernet/Modem or SCSI or firewire.

Firewire and Ethernet are inside the laptop (the modern ones), the modem is
either inside or USB one, SCSI - yes, SCSI requires the CardBus slot.

USB port for handheld. Nominally 12 MB/s, practically 56K.

Dunno on handhelds, but with USB-to-USB bridge (used to connect laptops
together) or the scanner the speed is much higher. 12MB is the physical layer
speed, packet headers and transaction phases require some overhead.

Another USB hub because the first one keeps resetting the mouse
when I plug in the annoying USB flash memory dongle.

Bad hub, which violates the spec.

And if I need to read DVDs or get online:

New laptop with cardbus slot for ethernet/SCSI/firewire
because USB is still too frigging slow.

Large laptops have the DVD drive in them. External drive is necessary for
smaller ones only (subnotebooks, 1.1kg weight). Modem is also there. For faster
connection, you can attach the cellphone to USB outlet (or use Bluetooth
attached to USB outlet) and use GPRS, or use the USB-attached ADSL modem.

--
Maxim Shatskih, Windows DDK MVP
StorageCraft Corporation

http://www.storagecraft.com